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Wednesday, November 30, 2016

When STANDING just isn't enough....


I’ve said before that if you can’t keep going, dig in your heels and just STAND.

I think I was wrong.

When you stop, the weight and the force of the world are coming against you. (After all, if you are walking with Christ, you ARE walking against the current of the world.)

And no matter how hard you fight it, that current can be mighty strong.

In the middle of a trial, you can be battle-drawn and weary. You may long to stop and rest. You may even want to surrender completely to the enemy, as it seems you are on the losing side.

But you aren’t.

That’s where faith comes in.

You have to KNOW that if you are in God’s army, you are on the winning team.

The war has already been won and the battle you are in is so very minute in comparison.

It may not feel so inconsequential though, especially when you are in the midst of it.

It may feel as if the whole universe has come against you.

That’s why you have to keep your eyes on Him and KEEP MOVING.

It’s the only way to keep from falling down.

I’ll admit I’m in the midst of a trial I do not understand at all. I don’t know if I’m lacking patience, faith, or obedience. Maybe I’m being tested. I don’t even know how I’m doing on this test.

I’m probably at about a C+ right now.

I honestly don’t know.

A week ago I completely lost the hearing in my right ear.

Thinking it was a simple fix, I tried a couple of tried-and-true ear opening methods. When those failed, I reached out on social media. I tried a few more things. I even went to a walk-in clinic and was given a clean bill of ear health.

Over the next few days later other seemingly unrelated symptoms popped up and I thought maybe I was coming down with the flu on top of a sinus infection.

On Sunday morning, I laid it all out for the Lord as we partook in the Lord’s Supper. I felt His presence and I knew I would be healed.

Only I wasn’t. Or maybe I was but the healing hadn’t manifested itself.

In any case, I broke down in tears afterward. I was so sure I’d be jumping up and down praising the Lord for restoring my hearing in that service that I never considered otherwise.

I was heartbroken.

I napped Sunday afternoon and returned to the evening service a little less enthusiastic. It was hard to hear, hard to concentrate. But I still believed.

So at the end of the service I called upon the elders of the church to pray over me. I was going to do  EVERYTHING by the (Good) Book.

Once again, I expected to share my delight at being able to hear again.

It still didn’t happen.

I went to bed frustrated, though not angry. I can’t let anger in; it is too hard to let go.

Was I doing something wrong?

I didn’t believe the Lord was punishing me nor did I believe he wanted this for me.

But what WAS He thinking?

I needed more time? More faith? More patience?

If I went back to the doctor, would that be wrong? A lack of faith? Impatience?

Or was it foolish NOT to go? To possibly treat something before it got worse…

I didn’t know.

I did know, however, that I couldn’t just STAND. Because I kept getting knocked flat on my rear and was ready to give everything up, ministry included. How could I help people when I couldn’t hear?

Even the dogs were aggravating me as their barks reverberated in my head, sounding louder in the one good ear and causing a headache. Their kisses, which I normally adore, were as irritating as nails on a chalkboard.

I couldn’t live like this.

I made the decision to see an ENT (Ear, Nose, and Throat doctor). I searched online since I didn’t know one here and found a doctor with great reviews in Mobile.

They were able to see me that afternoon.

What I didn’t realize was that this doctor specialized in auditory issues so I was given a comprehensive hearing screening upon arrival.

The news was not surprising.

Sudden hearing loss in my right ear.

I had that part figured out.

However, I expected him to discover a raging sinus infection the general practitioner had missed, give me some antibiotics, and, WORST CASE SCENARIO, have to surgically clear out my tube.

That wasn’t the case.

He diagnosed me with a non-rash form of shingles which had attacked the right side of my body.

That made sense.

The right toenails I’d ripped off because they felt like they were attacking my feet. The chest pains that I dismissed because they were on the right side only. The increased back pain I attributed to my increased consumption of Christmas candy.

It was all related.

But then came the scary part.

He could prescribe steroids and an antiviral for the symptoms of shingles but the hearing loss might be permanent.

Even worse, he suspected an acoustic neuroma. This is a small, noncancerous tumor on the nerve between the brain and the inner ear. It is confirmed with an MRI, way out of my price range without insurance. Then another hearing test back in his office, extensive enough that I must have a driver.

In the meantime I am praying for healing to avoid all of this. But in the event that it doesn’t come?

I decided I would just accept it.

Which is a little tricky.

Because I don’t accept illness as something God wants.

But if I don’t accept this, at least for now, I will put my life on hold. I will use it as an excuse to stop ministering, to crawl in a hole and have a pity party, and I will destroy everything.

I know.

I’ve done it before.

A few years ago, following back surgery, I quit living. Alienating my family and friends, I lived in a world of television and four walls, angry, depressed, and wishing I was dead.

I will not go back there.

So while I believe in a complete and total healing, I will not sit idly by waiting for it to happen. I am going to keep walking, even if it’s at a snail’s pace, until that day.

It’s a trial I don’t understand, one I may never understand this side of glory, but one I will willingly go through because it’s only a battle, not the war.

The war for my soul has already been won and the price He paid for that was more than I will ever have to endure.

 

 

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