When It Hits So Close to Home

All week I've been reassuring people that the battle is a spiritual one as it was foretold, and the only way we will win it is to fight in the Spirit.

No, we shouldn't lay down as Christians and accept what's going on without a fight.

But arming ourselves with knives and guns and going out to defend Christianity isn't the way to go.

We put on the SPIRITUAL armor of God and we go out and lead people to the Lord.

Look at Paul. He was one of the leading persecutors of Christianity. Then he became one of the greatest apostles.

We need to win souls over to our side. That's where the real victory is.

But it is harder when the attack hits close to home.

I've counseled couples this week, homeless men and women, new Christians, and mature Christians who are struggling. The advice was the same: Do NOT lose your peace over this. It is a spiritual battle.

I have people that use me, manipulate, lie...it is frustrating but as long as I remain in the Spirit and not take it personally, it doesn't rob me of peace.

I guard my peace more fiercely than any other possession I have.

I didn't even lose my peace when I penned the letter to my daughter. (See An Open Letter to My Daughter.)

But tonight I let it slip away.

I should've seen it coming.

Anytime a big battle is headed my way, the devil throws a sickness on me.

I've done my best to keep it somewhat at bay but there's still an icky summer cold feeling of a headache and sore throat.

I still cleaned and went out on the streets and did hospital visits.

But I took my armor off a little too soon.

I was almost home when my daughter called. Yes, THAT daughter. We did eventually talk and all is well.

This time the concern was over her brother.

He is a Louisiana police officer and his safety is a big concern right now.

I chastised her a little because they are currently not getting along too well.

"But, Mom..he just blows up and destroys his relationships."

I know this. I love my son, but he's got some deep-seated anger he has yet to deal with.

"I know, but think about this. Almost the entire country is anti-police officers. He's on the front lines, in more danger than he ever was in the Marines. And he's fighting with most of his family. He needs us in his corner, no matter what."

She understood but she's been hurt. I thought she was wrong for not letting it go given the circumstances.

A few minutes later he called.

I told him I'd been praying for him.

He downplayed his fears but I knew they were there.

I'm constantly having to rebuke my own fears when it comes to his job.

The conversation turned to other events and he started hem-hawing around.

"Don't lie to me, boy. I'm your Momma!" I was half-kidding and really just playing around.

He then made a comment that cut me to the core.

My feelings were hurt and I did what every other person I'd counseled this week did: I reacted in the flesh.

My peace was gone and I made sure he knew he'd upset me in a typical passive-aggressive, motherly yet ungodly way.

"Well, I'm just sorry that you feel that way about me."

There was no time for apologies, no way to right the ship.

We both hung up, upset, and I've been on the verge of tears ever since.

My son, on duty tonight, needed more from me than I gave him.

What if something happens?

Even as I was hanging up the thought entered my head, What if this is the last conversation we ever have? Could I live with that?

Absolutely not.

So why didn't I just call back?

I don't know.

I'm ashamed. And embarrassed.

Then that little voice (the one that isn't God) pops up and says, Because you ARE that person he accused you of being.

And I listen.

So I sit back and let that hurt take root.

It's a lot harder when the attack hits so close to home.

Postscript: 

I actually ended the post like that. With the devil having the victory. Pretty dumb, huh? But I've told you before...I'm real. And I make mistakes.

That was a big one.

I'm not sure why I took his comment as such a personal attack. I think it's just so hard for me to be such a non-entity in my kids' lives. They are young adults  and spreading their wings. I have to focus my mothering on my dogs but I still miss my babies. I'm not used to the secrets and the walls and infrequent calls.

But that's still no excuse. 

I'm sorry.

Post-post script:

A little perspective. This post, the one in which I felt like I destroyed everything, was written a little over three months ago. It was obviously a big deal. Yet re-reading old posts today and I have no clue what this was about! I vaguely remember any of this. Yes, it could be that the older I got, the more forgetful I become. But, maybe, and most likely, this was never as big a deal as I thought to begin with. It's funny how we make mountains out of molehills then blame God for these great big struggles. He's probably thinking, I know what mountains really are. Look at Calvary.