That's the question I'm asking myself today and I doubt a resolution will occur before I sign off.
I generally write about a problem post-solution, but today I'm sharing in the hopes that someone will say ME, TOO and commit to making a change with me.
It won't be easy.
I recently came across a "Happy Birthday, Jesus" card I'd written in church last year. In it, my birthday gift to Jesus was my entire life, a commitment I'd made prior to going into full-time ministry.
As a little post-script, I'd asked the Lord for more REFINER'S FIRE.
Herein lies my naivety.
I'd done this once before, prayed for that fire that removes all impurities in my life. Thirteen years later I was ready to emerge from the heat. I'd erroneously believed all I needed was a little polishing.
I swore never to do that again!
Yet here I was, once again asking for the fire, and once again thinking I only needed buffing.
I was wrong. Again.
The fire is hot.
And it hurts.
Despite the leaps and bounds of growth in my quest to resemble a making in His image, I still had a ways to go.
Some issues were easy.
But some remained hidden.
Until last week.
One year after asking for more fire, I was hit with the one thing that has become a major stumbling block for me.
I still have a stubborn streak a mile wide.
And a very, very rebellious heart.
Until now, it hasn't been evident because I've been making the right choices, doing the right things.
My rebellion didn't keep me from being compassionate, or responsible, or loyal.
But it did keep me from walking in the fullness of what the Lord has for me.
And now that it has been revealed, I have to make a decision to make. Change. Or keep on, knowing the Lord has called me to work on this area of my life.
The very issue at heart, the rebellion, instantly rears its ugly head. Why should I have to? I'm doing good things here. Don't tell me to change. If you don't want me as I am, get someone else.
Even as those thoughts enter, I recognize the devil.
So I rebuke them as a new wave hits. What if I can't change? What if I'll never be who God wants me to be?
A little harder to recognize, but even humble-sounding, meek-mannered thoughts are still the devil's when they promote fear and sorrow.
So here it is.
Me with a microscope showing the speck in my eye (which has probably been a beam to everyone else all along) trying to figure out what to do next.
Ever the pragmatist, I long for a list that gives me A-B-C instructions that I can cross off in my quest to banish this rebellious streak once and for all.
Yet also at times a dreamy idealist, I just want to be able to wake up perfect and be able to change the world just as easily.
Since neither scenario is going to happen, I have to walk in faith, submit EVERY thought and conversation to the Lord, and ask the proverbial WWJD when selecting meals, music, movies, and more.
I pray that in time it won't be so hard, that my words and choices become more Christ-like without effort, and that my will is broken and molded into HIS will for me.
This struggle isn't hard, or particularly deep. My moral compass is still pointing due North. But if someone tells me to go left, I often want to go right.
It is the underlying issue, the rebellion, that creates the barrier between me and God.
This is what I am committing to Him. My will.
What about you? Is there an area of your life He has pointed out to you that needs a little work? Something big or something small...it all becomes HUGE if it stands between us and the Lord.
And quite frankly, it is the smaller things that cause the bigger divide.
It's easier to give up the big problems- drinking, drugs, gambling...
Than it is to let go of the small ones...unforgiveness, pride, rebellion..
What better time than now?
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